Acrimony N' Matrimony!
My black silky pants were a bit wrinkled, but my silvery top was okay for the wedding, I figured, as I made my way into the very large banquet hall filled with dozens of round linen-clothed tables. My husband and two good friends followed me as we were escorted to our table.
We did not know any of the folks we were sitting amongst, but they smiled politely and welcomed us to the party. “The wedding is going to be over there under the arches,” one guest from Philadelphia informed us. I took a gander at the middle of the room and there was some sort of flower-laden archway leading to an altar where a nun and a priest were now standing. I decided to turn my chair around so that I could view the ceremony better. While doing so, I bumped my chair into a balding middle aged gentleman at a smaller table sitting with an elderly woman dressed all in black. He turned around. “Watsamattah wich you lady?” I apologized and he whispered something to the woman and she glared at me while shaking her head. At the same time, a waiter brought us a basket filled with broken celery sticks and stale carrots. I passed the basket onto my husband after pulling out a stale carrot stick. “I can’t believe I’m at a wedding and I get served stale veggies,” I purposely announced loudly. “Sheesh!” At this point, the bald guy in the cheap tux growled something back at me again. His wrinkled sidekick shook her finger my way while hissing me to “Shush, already!” The nerve of both of these people! Before I could say anything back to the ignoramus and the crow, a tall, seductive, anorexic blonde approached the man and snuggled into his lap.
The ceremony was about to begin as the organ music played. I glanced over to my friends who were in shock indeed, as was my husband and the rest of our table. I have to tell you that this was a wedding like no other. Father Mark, burping, welcomed everybody and the ceremony proceeded. It appeared that one of the bridesmaids was about to give birth. I could not believe that she wore such a skimpy outfit, and to tell you the truth, the entire event was a vision of gaudiness. The groom started snickering at the altar and a nun nearby got up and smacked him on his head. Unbelievable! Soon, the mother-of the-bride started to cry out loud. I am not talking about just tears rolling down her cheeks, but a loud wailing as though somebody had been murdered in cold blood! To make it even worse, most of the bridal party was chomping gum and blowing bubbles as they cheered on the bride and groom.
Okay, I said to myself. This is a new era and all kinds of weddings are now acceptable. Besides, the couple was from Astoria, Queens, New York. I had attended many ethnic weddings, but this one took the cake (and later, even that turned out to be stale!). An Italian buffet followed…thick spaghetti rolling in tomato paste, topped off with runny cheese. Yuck. The four of us managed to swallow it as we crunched away at wilted lettuce leaves on stale croutons mixed with pulpy tomatoes. We sipped no-bubbly champagne and shared soft bread sticks and tales about our hometowns with our round table buds.
“Ya wanna dance, lady?” I looked up to see old baldy grinning at me and extending his ring covered age-spotted hand. “Only if your bimbo doesn’t get insulted,” I answered curtly.
“Dat old bag's just Mama. She don’t care. As for Maddy, she’s ovah dere dancin’ on de bah.” Sure enough, the blonde bimbo in the blue number was now gyrating on the bar. Her dress looked as though it had been the only thing asked to “take a hike!” Ye gawds…and now there was clapping and hollering coming from the entire room.
It turned out that “Baldy” was the groom’s father. Uh oh. I told him that my husband had once lived in Green Point, Queens, and how much I loved Manhattan. We were doing the twist with a vengeance now! He told me that I reminded him of his ex wife. I was dumbfounded as to just what that meant!? He took me over to meet all of his family and even the guy who had served forty for petty crimes in the neighborhood. The bride’s mother came over and told me to stay away from the “SOB” if I knew what was good for me. I answered, “Which one?” All three of them hugged me and I suddenly felt warm and cozy with this extremely unusual wedding party. In fact, the bride, came over, squeezed me tightly, and instructed me to stand in line when she was ready to throw the bouquet. I hurried over to tell my hubby and my friends. To my chagrin, the bimbo was now dancing cheek-to-cheek with the husband of my very dear friend! And you can wager that he was grinning ear to ear as he did his “Astair thingie!” (:
My husband caught my eye as I pranced about with “Baldy,” for the rest of the evening. This served hubby right, I thought…after all, a few evenings before, he had the nerve to allow this slinky dark haired bimbo, dressed in blood red, to chase after him, surrounded by no less, hulky and sulky guys who looked like they came off the set of The Sopranos Last Supper!
I actually caught the bouquet! Well, not exactly. I waited for it to hit the ground and then I kicked it over to the side with my foot and grabbed the sucker, pushing away the pregnant bridesmaid. I jumped up and screamed “YES!” I got to sit on a folded chair while “The Stripper” song was playing and the good looking guy was trying to up a garter on my trousered leg. Darn!
Before long, we were all on the floor shaking to the dumb “Chicken Dance” while “Baldy’s” mama was counting something on the table. I went over to her and noticed that it was chips. “I’m gonna win big tonight, you wait and see!” she told me with glee. And with that, Mama Nunzio slipped out of the place, chips gripped in a full wrinkled hand.
What a wedding…it happened in Vegas… it was “Tony N’ Tina’s Wedding,”...and we all had the time of our lives!
Till next time,
Pam