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When the only thing left is a hot dog
I went into a restaurant, was shown to a table, handed a menu, and had started to order a drink when I noticed an empty booster chair at the table next to me. The server said yes, indeed, there was a child sitting there. The child had gone off with its mother. Both would be back directly.
And they were.
The child was a little girl whose face was reddened, eyes puffy.
The mother's face was flinty.
Sure signs of attitude adjustment.
Children and restaurants do not go together. Unless it is food with a name ending in a vowel – pizza, spaghetti, taco, etc. -- kids won't eat it. Restaurant managers know that. So down in the corner, under Kid's Menu they list delicacies such as shriveled hot dogs, grilled cheese sandwiches, something they called fish sticks, and waffles. The kids naturally want to order some of the good stuff from the big people's menu.
I pieced together the episode from pieces of conversation and the disfigured french fries and torn pieces of hot dog scattered beneath the table.
Mom and her child entered for a quick supper before the ordeal of buying shoes.
Mom said you can order anything you want from the child's menu.
The child said no, I want a steak.
The mother said have a hot dog.
The child said you eat the hot dog. I want a steak.
All of this in front of a grandmotherly server who chuckled and winked and said come on, mama, get the little girl a steak.
Right then and there, right in the middle of ordering supper, attitude adjustment time arrived.
The server went that way. Mama and child went that way. And I was escorted to my table.
So. The server returned with my drink, and asked if I was ready to order.
Yes.
I'll have the crab cakes and ...
"... sorry, sir. We don't have any crab cakes."
Why not?
"People ate almost all of the crabs in the Chesapeake Bay. Maryland and Virginia passed very strict laws about catching and serving up what crabs are left. It was bound to happen. Do you know how many crabs it takes to make one decent crab cake?"
Nope.
"Well, I don't either. But it must be a bunch."
Then I'll have the grilled salmon with ...
"... sorry, sir. We don't have any wild salmon and probably won't be getting any for the rest of this year."
What happened?
"Wild salmon come from California and Oregon. See, they spend most of their lives in the ocean. Then they return to freshwater rivers to spawn. This year they pulled a no-show. So the government closed the season. Made it illegal to catch even one."
That's just great.
Then I'll have the Salisbury steak. Got a problem with that?
She nodded, solemn and unsmiling.
"There was this massive ground beef recall. We had to throw out all we had. Sorry."
Do you have any chicken?
"We sold the last of it just a little while ago. We probably won't be getting any more any time soon. Our chicken comes from West Virginia, you see. That plant was raided and a whole bunch of illegal immigrants were arrested. The plant closed down until it gets replacement workers."
What do you have?
"We have hot dogs."
Can I get a couple of hot dogs with a side salad?
"I really am sorry. We trashed the lettuce because of some bacteria scare. I don't think the bacteria was on our lettuce. We can't be too careful, you know."
OK. Give me two hot dogs with whatever is safe to put on them.
The server said that would be coming right up.
I looked at the child, munching on the remains of her hot dog.
She smiled at me with evil glee. Then pushed another gnarled french fry onto the floor.
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