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Cluck with your tongue on three
We shouldn't be messing around with this consolidation issue. It doesn't accomplish a thing that is interesting, unique, or attracting to tourists.
Let's work like crazy to get Raccoon Ford incorporated. Let's make it an official town.
Then we can help the newly installed Raccoon Ford government in filing a lawsuit to annex the county. A town has to go to court to take over a county. It has to sue. So we'll sue.
That will make Raccoon Ford the biggest little town in the country.
We can sell those raccoon hats that have the tail hanging down in the back. We'll use the real thing, too, scooped from the highways and byways where the ambling critters met their demise. None of that China import hat stuff for us.
And we'll sell corn by the bushel to folks who can't decide if they want to pour it into their gas tanks as ethanol or slop it onto their pancakes as Mrs. Butterworth. This way they'll have some corn on hand when they do decide.
We'll elect a mayor and he'll drive an old car that will be the official Raccoon Ford. You know, like an old Falcon or maybe a Thunderbird. It depends on what kind of image we want to portray.
We will build a wildlife refuge that will be home to all of the animals native to this piece of the Piedmont. Everything from skunks to skinks. Never heard of a skink? That's that little lizard-looking fellow that enjoys life it wet, shaded places.
Every endeavor in our town will have a price tag. That is the only way to go without raising taxes.
We'll build a huge swimming pool that looks like the old swimming hole of by-gone days. It will be open 24/7 to accommodate the people who work days, the people who work nights, and the people who don't work at all.
We'll pay for the swimming pool by selling tickets to the aforementioned animal farm.
Tourists will be welcomed in Raccoon Ford. Although we want their money, we will not make it obvious. We will do everything we can to make them feel right at home.
They will be encouraged to take a look at where the buffalo roam. For an extra 50 bucks they can have one named after them.
Going to one of our council meetings will be an attraction. For an extra $75 we will let them vote on whatever is on the agenda that day. They can make a motion for an even hundred.
We'll have paint-ball wars on the Civil War battlefields. We'll dress some guys in gray and some guys in blue and let 'em have it. They'll all shoot red paint that washes off. The cost will be $5 a head, plus paint balls and the uniform.
For the Battle of Brandy Station, the one where everybody rode a horse, we'll sell hobby horses. You know, that antique kid's toy of a horse's head on a stick. The kid straddles the stick and yells stuff and makes that clucking noise with his tongue.
Imagine. Twenty thousand people dressed in blue and gray, straddling sticks with a horse head on top, making that clucking noise with their tongues. All the while shooting paint balls at each other.
It will make Raccoon Ford internationally famous.
And when we reach that status, we can raise the prices.
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